The journey to conventional Love for an unconventional woman.
September 12, 2016
Growing up a little girl in small town Nebraska, I’ve always had what some might think of as unattainable dreams. My life's plan was to be this famous singer traveling around the world and having the love of my life by my side.
He would be this handsome, confident, very successful businessman who was there to give me moral support, protect me, guide me, teach me, and motivate me to keep going, even on those days when giving up seemed so much easier.
Fast forward to 2016 as an unconventional woman at 50.
And by unconventional, I mean by society's terms, divorced and have never given birth, nor raised a child.
As it was such a taboo growing up in the 70s and 80s to have children between the ages of 18-23, through my experience, it has also become taboo being a woman at 50 without children. I've even so much have been referred to as unloving and selfish on many occasions by other women.
In 1992, while touring in a band, I had met what seemed at the time, the kind of man that I had wished for most of my life. Yet, after a few years into the marriage, I was told and shown, that he would never be that man.
So I tried to live my life his way, only to have a complete breakdown of a marriage and utter discontent and disrespect for myself.
In order to move my life forward, I accepted a job in Austin Texas without ever visiting prior to moving into a 1-bedroom apartment with two 80 lb. labs. (One would eventually go back to LA, and the other I would eventually have to put down).
It would be the very first time in my life that I would live completely on my own.
A few days after my arrival, I had walked into my workspace, and there stood a man who represented the place that I had been running from most of my life.
On paper, we would be more different than alike still; he had this strong profound energy that drew me in.
It was that kind of butterfly, schoolgirl charm energy that I had only felt when I first met my ex twenty-one years ago, and I immediately became intrigued.
We had dinner, talked, and with just one kiss under a moonlight Texas sky, like sleeping beauty, I had been awakened out of my deep and dark sleep. An awakening that made me so smitten that I feel head over heels instantaneously.
On a side note, it may be difficult to break through a Leo woman’s heart, but once you do, she will remain loyal and faithful to you, even when there is no need to.
Granted, there is no fairytale book ending and life has taken us in separate directions;
He went back to Nebraska, and I move back to LA.
Yet, there has been a space that still to this day, holds deeply for him, and no matter how hard I try to let go, it lingers there.
So I tapped into that space and used it as inspiration to write 2 books and started my new journey as a writer.
And although I am attracted to younger men, and being asked out by 21 year olds is flattering, it’s just not convincible enough to risk.
So I’m caught in between where men are way too young and the perfect aged younger man is old enough to want a traditional family. Something at my age, I won’t ever be able to give him.
And in my experience through marriage and other relationships, the idea of an independent woman with big ambitions for her life seems quite attractive at first, but in the end a man will turn towards a more conventional woman especially if he hasn’t had children of his own.
These days it seems easier to stay single rather than go out and deal with all that there is to date.
I’ve been single for 6 years now with 3 ½ of those completely living alone, and I’ve grown more comfortable in my own skin.
Some have said that I’m too picky, but I refuse to settle for anything less than my idea of the greatest Love for my heart to consume.
I don’t need a man to financially support me, to save me, motivate me, or emotionally control me.
I’m looking for a man who can take every unconventional part of me, not get intimidated by it, appreciate it, be an equal partner, and Love me for imperfect woman that I am.
In the idea of poet, andreja.K_
I am not looking for some one to keep me safe. I’m looking for someone to keep me alive.