Let me begin by saying that I have one of the most naïve hearts ever known to womankind.
She has a wall surrounding her most days, but when she can be broken through, she falls easily, fast and loves very hard.
And her biggest down fall, is that she loves too loyally for way too long.
Since the passing of Debbie Reynolds and speculations she died from a broken heart, I started doing some research and reading articles about this.
The past 6 years of my life have been somewhat of a big transition for me while going through a divorce, moving to a new city, and in the first few days of arriving in that city, meeting someone who would not only awaken my heart, inspire me to write two books, but would also exit just as fast as he had entered my life.
And on most days, his memory grips at my heart.
It was probably the week after he had left is where I started getting unusual anxiety that turned in to panic attacks. At first I chalked it up to living alone for the very first time, in a city that I’d never visited prior to moving there. Or the stress of starting a new position at my job, in a new location, with a new staff and partner, or maybe I was even beginning that state of menopause.
I had gone to a doctor and she confirmed it certainly wasn’t the latter and she couldn’t diagnose where these panic attacks stemmed from. During my 2 years in the new city, I had met friends, had the attempt of others trying to set me up on dates.
However, I attract via energy, it’s certainly a rarity, but if I don’t feel that pull of energy, then we just remain friends.
Forward to 2015, where I was given a chance to transfer back to LA and was finally back at home and in my element, in a new place in the city that I’ve always dreamed up and new position with better pay, yet the panic attacks ensued and came with lots of sadness, crying and fatigue. Again, I looked at it as I was going through the roughest and most stressful part of my divorce, but all I could think about is how much I missed that guy who had awakened my heart. I had release a second book and had a book signing set up in the state where I was from, and where this guy lived.
After not seeing him since we had met in 2013, he showed up at the end, and those butterflies that I had in our initial meeting came back full force. We even spent some time talking over coffee, and I could feel that profound energy tugging at me and all I wanted to do is lean over and kiss him. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I just couldn’t find the courage to do so and I honestly felt that it would not matter.
Since then, I found out he was in a relationship and it seems to have gotten more serious.
The panic attacks are not as often, but they are still there. I felt them constantly as I was visiting family in San Francisco over the Christmas holidays.
And at times when I think of him at night and try to envision his surroundings, I start to feel this overwhelming sense of haunting anxiety, so I close my eyes until it goes away.
I know that especially at my age it's pretty much silly for holding on so long to a man who was a casual affair, who is at a distance in so many ways, and has such different ideas and views on life than I do.
However, I do believe in the law of attraction, and we are gifted people in our lives to make an impact, even inspiring us to our true purpose.
Souls that we may never see again, memories that are hard to forget, and have the tendency to linger in our hearts forever.
These days, I’m trying my hardest to let go of him, but it doesn’t come with out some sadness, anxiety and pain. I think I'm experiencing my own personal unconventional heartbreak, and its becoming more difficult to ever trust my heart to open again.