My life had seemed to be flowing contently along, still, I had always been yearning for more. And once that thought entered into my head, life found a way to pull it's soft and comfortable rug from beneath my legs and left me with the feeling of dangling over the edge.
For the past six years, I had been working for the same company, an opportunity that I felt was a gift to move my life forward from my past. And within that experience, I had made a brief connection that inspired me to write and publish 3 poetry books over the last 3 years and working on a fourth.
About a year ago, things started to change within that environment and what was a comfortable fit for me, started to turn into a daily struggle. My passion for the product had started to fade, and no matter how hard I tried to do things right, it just didn't seem good enough.
On December 1st 2017, that environment I had come to know well had come to an end and although I sensed it coming, I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.
Then came the emotion of disappointment and the feeling of failure once again.
I soon felt lost and started to fall into a bit of depression along with major bouts of anxiety.
I had to figure out what I could do next to regain my sense of purpose, so I decided to do something that would challenge me. Soon would come the opportunity to get my CA insurance license.
I would study 8 hours a day for 10 days in a row, take and pass the exam. And as I thought that would be the hardest part and getting a job with one of the most ethical and highly rated companies in the world, the test was simple to having to hold myself accountable everyday.
If you are not familiar with the insurance world, there is no salary or hourly rate, and you get paid a percentage on what you sell. And In the beginning clients don't come to you, you have to go out and earn them.
And when I say hold myself accountable, it doesn't just pertain to having constant activity, but holding my mind accountable that no matter how difficult some days may seem, to not to give up.
We all want great things in life, but are we willing to suffer through the pain and sacrifices every day to do so?
3 1/2 months into this work, it has not been easy and I still deal with the uncertainty of what is yet to come.
However, I've been given the freedom to roam, which for an artist is a must. I also get to connect with all kinds of people on a daily basis, and I truly believe in the need of the product and everyday is different. And although the anxiety has become more prevelant and even non stop on some days, I trying to understand that it's part of the process of pushing through the fear and building new strength.
It's in those moments I have to start taking deeper breaths and try to think of things that calm me.
I have even built a strong relationship with my yoga mat.
And I've come to a point in my life where I wish I could come home to a warm and motivating conversation, strong arms to embace me, with a voice of reassurance that everything is going to be ok. I have to believe that there is a man out there that gets me and that will come when it's meant to be.
So for now I have to learn to be more gentle with myself and believe in me.
This is what the Entrepreneurial life is all about and for now, the journey that Is needed to take to lead me to the path of dreams.
For what's its worth, it's teaching me is to learn how to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. And though it seems that my life has been in such a state of transition over these past 9 years, through experience, I know that I'll get through this as well. As the saying goes, Life may not always give us what we want, but it will give us everything we need to keep elevating us into our greatest potential and the life we are meant to lead.